As 2011 comes to an end, I wanted to share some thoughts that have been on my mind lately. Due to the dangerous intersections of race, gender, class, sexual orientation, and other positionalities, it is important to stress on being conscious of these interlocking oppressions. The term “intersectionality” is invoked a lot, but there is a huge difference between writing about it and understanding it.
Recently, someone who self-identifies as an “activist” exercised his misogyny by taking a paparazzi-style photo of a woman’s body part and shared it with his friends on Facebook. Over a hundred perverted and horribly sexist comments were made under the image. All of this happened without the woman knowing that a zoomed-in photo of her body was publicly on display for a bunch of perverts to gawk at and sexually objectify.
Confrontations with the police does not excuse a male activist of being held accountable for his misogyny and violation of a woman’s privacy. Those who commented in favor of the photo are also complicit in sexist oppression and objectification. You cannot fight state violence while participating in another form of oppression and not acknowledging how the two are interconnected. It undermines everything you claim to stand for.
I know there are a lot of men, both Muslim and non-Muslim, who are outraged by sexism and misogyny. However, many of us make the mistake in seeing ourselves as being “outside of patriarchy.” That is, because we have feminist politics and speak out against sexual violence, sexist exploitation, and patriarchal domination, there is no way we can be sexist. On the contrary, I am not outside of it and neither are you. None of us are. I have read several posts written by men (some of which were recently pointed out to me) who tell this narrative: “I used to be sexist, but after reading feminist literature and making feminist friends, I am cured and better now!” I have made this mistake as well and I accept that I will make more mistakes in the future. Being called out on your sexism is not always easy, but that is how you learn to unlearn.
Instead of congratulating ourselves or rushing to claim that “we are good men” and “not like those misogynists out there,” we need to understand our responsibility in constantly unlearning the sexist socialization we have internalized. We live in societies where sexist and racist oppression is so deeply engrained and even foundational to the established order, so saying “I’m not sexist” is not enough (likewise, saying “I’m not racist” is not enough for white people). Asserting this claim only puts us on the defensive and overlooks how we benefit from oppressive power structures. We cannot dismantle patriarchy externally if we don’t hold ourselves accountable for our complicities and actively confront sexism within ourselves, not just once, but every day, for the rest of our lives.
When a woman is addressing the awful reality of sexual assaults against women that occur in anti-racist spaces, we should not center our attention on thinking that she is only talking about “those men,” i.e. the assailants, the misogynists, the rapists, etc. Such an outlook only makes us perceive ourselves as “innocent” and “not sexist.” We have to be conscious of the sexism we have internalized and how we exercise sexism in our everyday lives. We have to take action to ensure we will not maintain and reproduce those power dynamics. This is not about demonizing men or saying that all of us are monstrous at the core. This is not about implying that all men will assault women in social justice spaces either. This is about understanding our responsibility in challenging and eliminating sexism externally and internally. In movements that are anti-capitalist, anti-imperialist, anti-colonialist, anti-sexist, anti-racist, etc., if there are people being abused, assaulted, discriminated against, beaten, or excluded, we must work to eliminate that violence. When you are called out on your sexism, apologize, listen, and hold yourself accountable. Take responsibility for it and accept the consequences, even if that means you cannot be part of the group anymore or that some people will never be able to trust you again. Do not get defensive and say that what you did “wasn’t sexist” or “wasn’t patriarchal.” Don’t make this about you “being a good man” or that “you had good intentions” or that you have women friends who “don’t see you as sexist.” Don’t attack the “tone” of the people calling you out on it either. Denying your complicity only exposes the sexist masculine power you exercise.
Furthermore, we have to move beyond “accepting” sexist and racist socialization. Accepting that white supremacist, capitalist heteropatriarchy has programmed us to uphold these interlocking structures of oppression is important, but it does not at all give us an excuse to normalize our sexism, racism, classism, homophobia, Islamophobia, ableism, etc. I have come across individuals who say, “Yes, I admit I’m racist, I accept it.” There’s a huge difference between understanding your responsibility in unlearning racism and simply asserting that “everyone is racist,” as if that makes everything “ok.” No, it is not “ok.” We live in a racist society and all us are impacted by it differently (and if you are white, you benefit a great deal from white supremacy). Instead of just sitting back and saying, “I admit I’m racist,” you should be challenging yourself on a daily basis and actively doing something about your racism. Don’t use racist socialization as an excuse to normalize your racism.
Some people, to my own astonishment, have told me to my face that they hate Indians and Pakistanis. They have told me things like, “I hate Pakistanis. I hope you don’t take offense to that.” Of course I take offense to it; it is racist and against me, in particular. Others have told me they “hate Indians” and then say, “I admit I’m prejudice against them, but everyone is racist, right?” What makes them think this is acceptable to say to me or to anyone else is the real indicator of how deeply entrenched racism is. Accepting that we are socialized to be racist and sexist does not make things “ok” because these oppressions have serious effects in the real world. “I am racist” or “I am sexist” is not something to boast about or repeat shamelessly. Move beyond accepting the status quo and be responsible. Apologize for the damage you have caused and do something about it. Don’t expect your South Asian friend to continue talking to you when you’ve demonized his/her culture and never held yourself accountable for it. Don’t expect your Arab friends to return your calls when you “jokingly” referred to them as “terrorists” and thought that was cool. You may have “accepted” your racism or sexism, but your friend may not accept how your racism or sexism targeted him/her, so if you care about preserving that friendship, do something about it.
Challenge yourself in your daily interactions with people. Challenge yourself when you use racist, sexist, colonial, and/or ableist language. Challenge the stereotypes you have of certain groups of people when you see/meet them. Critique yourself and analyze every aspect of your life. We all make mistakes and we are going to continue making them. It’s how we respond to those mistakes and actively work to correct them that matters. Listen to the people you have offended, hurt, discriminated against, marginalized, etc. Don’t accuse them of being “too angry” or “too mean” when they condemn what you said or did. Deconstructing and unlearning racism, sexism, and other oppressions is not something you can accomplish overnight; it is something all of us have to do for our entire lives. Read the anti-racist and anti-sexist work that has already been done, if you have access to the books and discourses. Write about your resisting oppressive socialization, speak about it, teach about it, educate others about it, call yourself out on it, implement it into your life and work on it everyday. Never excuse yourself of your complicity, never be “ok” with it, but always assume the responsibility to struggle against it.